NOVIE ADA B. URBIS VERSION 2.0: Braver. Bolder. Fiercer





During the times when I was trying to fix myself, I didn’t know that there were friendships that were given up. Now that I’m a whole person again, I want to regain those friendships .

I was a broken person. All things were wrong. That was my thinking. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to heal. I wanted to do it on my own. I became silent. I was at the same time busy. I was always unable to send back messages to the messages of my friends. That was my life. I became a very busy person and my life only circulated with few close friends I have. It was not my intention though to cut friendships from among my friends.  I was unaware that I have, in a way, isolated myself. 

Pretty enough, I was lost yet, I found myself back within my solitude. Bitterly, I lost connection with some of my closest friends. 

Maybe it’s true that to be able to find one’s self is to be LOST. I found light in the darkness.

 I don’t exactly know when I started to be on search. I believe it was and it is timeless.  It was a long irregular but recurring process; and it will be endless. Every now and then, realizations come to me. And this is just one of those. I anticipate limitless realizations to come as long as I breathe.

Some of the things I have come to realize have helped me redirect the way I see and value things. These are a mix of different issues in my life: my savior, my family, love and career, and friendships. And these come in unceasing way to continuously mold me to become a better person. 

It evidently started with realizing and acknowledging that in my life, I have God, as my best friend and savior. During those times that I was lost and problems were concomitantly coming, there was a time when I had wanted to be on a convent in a month just to calm down my wary mind. I was so desirous to read books; one of the significant books I eagerly bought and read is the “The Experience” authored by Blackaby. It was calming to read biblical scripts coupled with written preaching. That became every day. And continuously reading each daily entry made me closer to God through self-reflections.  
 

And then there, came a terrifying challenge to my family. It was a storm that perhaps tested how united we are as a family; how loving we are to one another; and how strong, is our faith to our Almighty God. We are not a perfect family, but I have always loved them the most. What changed? I loved them even more and I do. I became more loving and showy of my love to them.

Subsequently, I got my best friend-boyfriend; and all things changed. The way I was before changed; my endless dramas about love flew away. I started to come out of my shell. My fear of loving and being rejected flew. I became happily in love for the first time in my life.

Unexpectedly, that was only for some moments. Sadly, it didn’t last. Problems came. It became on and off.  I fought for the relationship and for the friendship we had. We became friends again. He was my best friend and my inspiration.  With some of my biggest accomplishments in life, he is part of it. Abruptly, he was gone. He is gone in my life. The person with whom I have thought future is gone. It was painful. It was painful enough that I didn’t feel hurt anymore. It was too much that it just came to the point that I just learned to smile that it happened.

Surprisingly, it just came to me that I was already willing to let go. From then on, I knew that I was learning my lessons. I can’t hold people to stay with me when all they wanted is to run miles away.

He didn’t say goodbye. That is the problem. But I know I was ready to go through the grieving process of letting go.

Exactly during my most difficult times with my broken heart, my career joined in. I was bragged with cruel and biased judgments by some people for many and consecutive times. It was the hardest. That was last year. 2012. It is where I got both the sweetest and bitterest things in my life so far.

Before the year ended, a realization came though. All came to me that I was just being tested by God. That all the things that were happening were really meant to happen; all feelings that I had were meant to be felt. They need to happen and I need to go through those things. And that from those, I can choose either, to stay down and be bitter to those people or to stand up, learn, grow up and smile to the world.

Truly, I am happy that during those hard moments of mine, my family was there, my close friends were there, and God is always there. I choose the latter- to stand up, learn, grow up and smile to the world.

As I was growing as a person, it is as if it didn’t sink in my mind that I wasn’t getting any younger. I suddenly looked back from my younger years. I smiled. I really have grown up. I have changed a lot.


Yet within me there are things though that really never stopped and changed: that is my friendships with my old friends. In the search of my own self, I have unknowingly dropped some of my friends. It might not be my intention, but that is what happened.  


Now that at least I have found myself and I have come out of my shell, I want to reunite with my long lost friends. I, now, realize and appreciate why do we have that cliché phrase “long lost friend”.

Indeed, being a true whole person is to reconcile one’s past and present life. In the search of myself I lost some of who I was, yet I found who I really want to be.

 
Finding one’s self means one is able to clearly distinguish how he wants to be as person and what he doesn’t like to become. This includes establishing one’s set of values he is adhering to, and thoughts he doesn’t at consider; accepting who he is and who he is not; forgiving his own failures or weaknesses but recognizing and loving his own achievements or strengths; openly feeling what he feels without pretentions; and believing that despite of his bad side, he can still be a good person.

With all the pressures that faced me, there were times when I wasn’t comfortable with myself anymore. There were lots of questions in my mind - Questions that even doubted my character. I shouldn’t doubt my own character, but I did. I was lost. I didn’t know that being able to process your thoughts righteously right there when you are lost would mean being able to find yourself -being able to decide who you want to be.  

Now I know what am I and what am I not; and I’m happy about it. I see my flaws and I forgive myself about them. I admit that I’m phenomenally bad, but I still believe in the goodness within me.  I feel how I really feel; and I understand the thought that not all things are to be understood, some just need to be accepted.

Indeed, finding my self is becoming comfortable with who really am I.

Part of becoming comfortable with my self is reconciling my past and present life – the old and the new version of myself. Looking into who I was before can make me sort out what I want to bring back to my present – I want to bring back my old friends into my life now, because THEY ARE PART OF WHO I WAS that has been missing for such a long time.

Post Script:


When the time comes that I feel that I am already in touch with my old self and with my new self, that, I guess will be my turn to fall in love again.



Novie Ada B. Urbis submitted her article in PDF format. You may see PDF version below. Some photos were taken by VoicePoints Creative Director Robert E. Regala, CPA. (Meet our VoicePoints team here)


Author: Novie Ada B. Urbis

The moment you stop believing in true love is the moment that you lose it


Novie Ada B. Urbis is a part time instructor at the University of Northern Philippines. She holds a Bachelor in Secondary Education degree major in English. Novie earned her Master of Arts in Teaching English from the same school. She is now the adviser of UNP-English Language Students Association

Facebook  | More Posts


CONTRIBUTE. Send your articles to  silentvoicepoints@yahoo.com. Subject on your email: VoicePoints. WRITE anything (English or Filipino). SHARE your views. CAPTURE every moment.

Get regular updates straight from your Facebook and Twitter accounts with The Blog of Innocence: SilentVoice Points. Make sure that you keep informed about the latest happenings around you. Be a fan of VoicePoints page on Facebook. Join the online conversation of the people behind your history. Follow and get some tweet updates from @voicepoints on Twitter. Discuss and be a part of this changing world. We believe in your voice. We believe in you. Shout! Speak your mind! Join now! You have the right. You have the freedom!

The Blog of Innocence: SilentVoice Points is accepting works and articles - news on our nation and the world, social issues, environment, advocacy, entertainment, trending issues and events, history, literature, reviews, travel, science and technology and discoveries. We reserve the right to edit and not to publish articles for reasons of libel and ethics.

Need advertising partners? Email us now silentvoicepoints@yahoo.com.  Advertise with us!

0 comments:

SEARCH

Translate This Blog

Featured on

Featured on

ADVERTISE WITH US

ADVERTISE WITH US

ADVERTISE WITH US